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Missing. [08 Jun 2006|05:16am]
[ mood | thirsty ]

When I look at my fingers there is something missing
Your fingers aren’t in locked in them
There is no one to cuddle with when I am cold
You are no longer here for me to hold

When i hear the phone ring I still hope it’s you
Even though I know my dreams won’t come true
You will never be coming back to me
You would rather be lonely and free

I walk myself to the bus in tears
I remember we first kissed here
The seat were we use to sit together
Now lies empty forever

The halls we once walked down side by side
I look for your face but it’s so hard to find
I seem so small compared to the world
I use to feel special when I was your girl

Missing spaces will be filled in
Our hearts may someday mend
But the places we embraced will remain changed
They cant replace our faces, they cant replace our names

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Holding on [29 Sep 2005|11:53pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I use to think that someday things would change
But that dream is slowly becoming vague
The pictures are fading one by one
And the promises you promised once
Are slowly coming undone
All the letters have begun to fold and tare
Just like my heart does when you not there
I hold my pillow as I try to go to sleep
I dream that it is you holding me
I wake up in the middle of the night calling your name
But your never there, its always the same
I hold near me every present you ever gave
But all I seem to be doing is digging my own grave
I burry myself deeper into the memories we shared
And I begin to think you might actually care
I think about every lie you ever say
The ones that keep me holding on every day
You tell me over and over again
That we will be together again
I can’t wait my life away like you want me to
You don’t understand how much I hurt over you
I try to hold on so bad
Because truly holding on is all I have
And until you let me go this is how I stay
Holding on, waiting for that one day

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~that night~ [21 Aug 2005|02:42am]
[ mood | confused ]

We went in that room so lovingly
Your arms and lips caressing me
I came out with a piece of my heart i had never found
We were quiet not even making a sound
The more my heart pounded the deeper it got
My body said yes but my heart fought
All i knew is my fate was in your hands
You were playing out all of my plans
For years i had created this image in my mind
Of how i would lose my virginity, you being the guy
Slowly things went, as can be expected
And neither of us objected
I knew with every breath we took together that this was wrong
We were too close and had known each other to long
I loved you with all my heart
But you loved me with only part
Before things could get any further
You jumped up and removed the covers
All you said was i cant do this
Then softly you turned away with a kiss
I knew from that moment on you weren’t in this for the pleasure
You wanted to be the one that was there for me forever
You slowly pulled me close and explained your reasoning
It all seemed like a dream to me
I had never stopped to think it would play out this way
You being the one to turn me away
But you knew far more what i needed for myself
Better this way, for neither of us would be left with guilt
Only the assurance of our true feelings would show through
And for that i can never repay you

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A night in daddy’s hands [15 May 2005|10:49pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Are you drunk again daddy she asked
As he threw open the front door
And kicked the cat
This is the third time this week mommy cried
I had to work late with a bunch of the guys
Daddy lied
He swung the door shut and fell to the floor
The little girl walked over
To lock the door
She ran to the kitchen to watch from the side
As daddy yelled
And mommy continued to cry
She sat in the corner with tears streaming down her face
She watched in anger
As daddy destroyed the place
Over and over he threw mommy’s china at the wall
As it broke in pieces
She saw mommy suddenly fall
Daddy stood over her like the giants she had seen only in books
Screaming and crying
She tried not to look
She could hear mommy scream for help
Hit after hit
She knew exactly how it felt
After daddy had had his fun
He would leave mommy
And the little girl knew she would have to run
For she was always second to get a fist
When daddy was drunk
She knew he would never miss
As she heard mommy cry one last time
She ran to her room
Under her bed she began to hysterically cry
As her luck would have it she was found
Pulled out from under the bed
As her head hit the ground
Her small frame was not enough to put up a fight
She knew she was his
She was in daddy’s hands tonight
Each hit she took she tried to stay strong
She knew it would be over
And once again the pain would be gone
The next day she would cover the scars
Pretend that it was all just a dream
And try to move on
The words he said would forever remain in her mind
When a daddy says he hates you
Forgiveness is very hard to find
All the nights in daddy’s hands linger on
With a lot of time and prayer
They have made the little girl very strong

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HE LOVES YOU [15 May 2005|09:56pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

You don’t see the hurt in his eyes
When he says your name and begins to cry
Your not there to hold him tight
When he thinks about you all night
You don’t wipe all the tears from his cheeks
When he is crying so hard he can’t speak
You’re not the one to tell him you will always be there
You just walk away and leave him in fear
I’m there for him day after day
To see his happiness break away
I’m there for him every time he calls
I catch him whenever he falls
But there is really nothing I can do
He doesn’t love me he loves you
I just wish you could take a walk in my shoes
And realize just how much you risk to lose
You are the luckiest girl alive
To be loved by such a great guy
You stole his heart and hold my world in your hands
But you’re too blind to even try to understand
You just overlook the best thing that ever came your way
You will wake up and realize your loss one day
Then it will be too late and he will have moved on
And all the love you could have once had will be gone
I can be there for him all of the time
But it’s not going to take you of his mind
He loves you not me
I just wish that someday you would wake up and see

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my shattered heart [03 May 2005|08:52am]
[ mood | sad ]

I pick up my shattered heart one last time
you have ripped it so deep you touched my spine
you almost broke my body in two
this is one thing you promised you would never do
you said no matter what we would always be friends
but your slipping away like quick sand
with every lie you continually announce
you make me drown in my blood another ounce
slippery with pain i replace my heart in my chest
I try to make it fit, but you knew how it went best
you knew my insides and out
and what all my soul was about
I notice you have taken with you a souvenir
a piece of my heart is bare
was it really necessary for you to steal a part of me
do you want it for all your friends to see
so you can brag about breaking my heart
they all know you had it from the start
now that you got what you wanted you disappear
I am left to wash away my blood with tears
Nothing could cover the damage you have done
Even after every trace of the blood is gone
The stains and scars will still remain
Only I am to blame
No other person would have held on so long
When they knew that in the end it would all go wrong
So here I am losing my best friend
And all I can do is pick up my shattered heart once again

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LoVe Is LiKe A RoSe [26 Apr 2005|11:09pm]
[ mood | full ]

Love is like a rose
you start out as a tiny bud
then you find somone special
and suddenly you begin to fall in love
after awhie your love grows
and your tiny pedals start to show
you slowly form into something unique
to beautiful for words to speak
at the peak of your realationship
your absolutly beautiful
to him and everyone else
then slowly you feel things you had never felt
all the sudden the lies start
then come the fights and the broken heart
you always thought your pricky thorns would protect you
your friends, family, the people you knew
was there really anything they could do
we all warn you,you will get hurt
but when your in love, you are in the dark
trying to look past all the imperfection
it becomes suddenly you are the rejection
your pedals begin to wilt and fade away
life gets harder with each passing day
especially the ones you see his face
the rose that was once fully bloomed
is now just a memory of how you were when you were in love
will your rose ever again be more than a bud?

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YOU TOOK MY LIFE AWAY! [20 Apr 2005|10:24pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Today I woke up and you weren’t beside me
I am forced to live life differently
The hope is no longer in my eyes
My dreams are shattered by all your lies
I lie in bed for a little while
Recalling what made us fall
Was it something I said?
Or didn’t do
Was I the only one in love with you?
Did someone else come and take you away
Or is it myself I must blame
I ask my self so many questions it makes me sick
I see the clock on the wall slowly tick
I must force myself to get ready for school
Just another place that brings back memories of you
I walk to the mirror and put on that face
You know the one that no one can trace
Hide my tears deep under my skin
No one can know that any things different
I don’t want the questions from all my friends
How have you been?
How are you and him?
I get that all the time
It’s like they are living my life
I wash my face slowly trying to rid the makeup smears
The ones left from the last night’s tears
Slowly I wash away every trace of pain
I put on makeup to cover the shame
Look in the mirror and away I go
I recall my face will no longer glow
But everything you did I can hide
I must face my biggest fear
You took away my life

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smile [28 Feb 2005|11:28pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Make me smile it is what you do best
you never put me down like all the rest
you make me laugh all the time
im so lucky to have you in my life
what would i do without you
im sure i would always frown
because youre the one that brings me up when im down
i just want to take the time and say
you have changed me into who i am today
i couldnt have lived through some of these days witout you by my side
i wouldnt have had a sholder to cry
or a place to hide
i can tell you my fears and my dreams
and although at times we disagree
i know you will always be there for me
i love you with all my heart and that will never change
cause babe together we can make it through anything

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Break [25 Feb 2005|06:41pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

you try to still hurt me
but you dont understand theres nothing left to break
try and try if you must
but my heart has had all it can take

i gave you everything
all i knew how to give
you just broke me
to the point i didnt want to live

I kept a smile on my face through it all
in spite of my broken heart
ive put up a wall
that you will never tare apart

i look at you
i dont want any more
ive moved on
ive shut and locked that door

yet you still try to get to me
but i ignore your ways
when you realize ive moved on
you will give up one of these days

you broke me once
but dont think you will do it again
i dont need you, i have him
from now on just remeber we are friends

i am happy now
dont try to break us apart
this is what is best for me
with him i know he will never break my heart

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LIVE FOR YOU [22 Feb 2005|11:20pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

i feel like giving up tonight
me and mom got in another fight
words again were said and not meant
but this time they stuck like cement
i feel so worthless inside
then i begin to think of you and i
could you make it if i were gone
would you know how to carry on
could you make it on your own
would you be able to live with what ive done
alone in my bed crying i lay
i decide i will live for you one more day

A month goes by and im at it again
this time its over the loss of a friend
i feel like there is no other option
this is going to be the end
i begin to read a letter from you
these always seem to get me through
i read the part where it says you need me
this is some what hard to believe
i feel unwanted by everyone i see
but some how your words wont leave
i cancel my plans and decided i have to make it through
if for no one else, i will live for you

this happens time and time again
i dont know where i would be if you werent my friend
im sure your not aware of how many times youve stopped me from crying
or all the times youve kept me from dying
you may not even realize half the things you do
but all i can say is i couldnt live without you
you kept me alive through all of these tough times
you saved my life
and that is something that has no price
there is no way i can repay what youve done
all i have is my love
if there is nothing else i can do
i promise to always live for you

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Ties [18 Feb 2005|12:11am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

lifes to short to be in love with you
ive done everything i could possibly do
i cant make you fall in love with me
you are to blind to see
for years ive lived through your eyes
holding on to every one of your lies
i have forgotten how it feels to be free
ive lost who i use to be
my heart has finally realized
i must cut off all these ties

pull out the knives and cut lose
i can no longer live in the shadows of you
for years i have changed myself to mirror your reflection
some how for so long i used you as protection
i lost all the values i use to hold
i started to believe everything i was told
it is now time for me to break free
for so long you have sufocated me
cut the ties off my heart
its time for me to make a new start

Removing every memory we ever made
I slowly cut the pain away
each tie one by one
i realize exactly how much damage youve done
with each tie lifted i see a space
the space where your heart was once placed
now it remains a whole
just another sign of letting go
cutting the ties to get you off of my mind
because in this life we dont have much time

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DrEaMs [01 Jan 2005|04:59pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

im not sure if i can fall asleep tonight
it seems there is to much light
all the sounds i continue to hear
they make me wish you were near
i miss you holding me close
but being in your arms i miss most
you are miles away and im so alone
i just wish i could go home
I look around and see all the pictures here
The ones that we took at the end of the year
I see the one where you are in my arms
all those happy times are gone
i begin to cry as i lay in my bed
all these memories run through my head
i dry my eyes on the sheets
i hide under the covers so i cant see
but i cant get away from these thoughts of you and me
I will lay here for hours it seems
until i finally drift off to see you in my dreams
this is where i hope to remain
until i can see your beautiful face again

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song [28 Dec 2004|12:33am]
[ mood | calm ]

When I’m driving I get lost in song
Memories of you come along
My mind is gone
Every line reminds me of another day
One when I was happy
Before you went away
Tears cover my face
I’m in my car
Yet my heart is in another place
Submerged in tears
My eyes become cloudy
It’s hard to steer
I pull into an empty lot
I have to let it go
Every single one of these thoughts
It can’t be good when you can’t even drive
With all these songs
Every one of them makes me cry
Its just one of those nights
Your not here
To tell me everything will be all right
You were suppose to be in the passenger seat
I look over and it’s empty
All I feel is disseat
I pull out and begin to drive home
Without you
In the dark all alone
Every place I pass has a memory
Happy and sad
All reminders of you and me
I just want to forget the past
Close my eyes
But then I may crash
So alone I continue to drive
Missing you
Someday happiness may arrive
But for now I’m reminded by every song
That im alone
And you are forever gone

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YOUR MOM [19 Dec 2004|04:51am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Your mom hates me and I don’t know why
All I did was love you
And she wants me to die
Well I can’t help it that I’m still alive
And I’m sorry if I ever made you cry
I guess I will never do anything right
Your mom says I’m a failure well I feel that way tonight
I think I have ruined your life
I finally believe what she says is true
I will never be good enough for you
I’m always the one that brings you down
Your better off without me around
So its time for us to go our separate ways
I love you is all I have left to say
And I will miss you every day
I wish I could stay
But don’t try to stop me because I have to leave
Someday I’m sure you will see
You will be stronger without me
I’m sure your mom will be very pleased

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When you didn't Love me [09 Dec 2004|01:13pm]
[ mood | creative ]

The scars on my body will never fade away
Forever this memory will stay
The holes on the wall
The broken pictures in the hall
All reminders of how it use to be
When you didn’t love me

You raised your hand and I would run
You said you were just having fun
You’d hit me till I began to cry
Sometimes I wished I would just die
Every time you made me bleed
It made me realize you didn’t love me

Memories of me guarding mommy run through my head
So afraid one day I would find her dead
Then what would I do
I would be alone in the world with you
Ounce mommy was gone how would it be
Knowing you didn’t love me

I can still picture the screams and shouts
And at the end you walking out
Mom would cry at the door waiting for your return
I looked at my arms and legs as they burned
Sometimes I just wished you would forever leave
I knew you would never love mommy and me

I guess mommy finally got tired of it
Because one day she just quit
She quit trying to please you and put up a fight
You packed your things and left the next night
Everything became quiet and I could finally sleep
But every night I thought about you not loving me

It is hard to believe that you love me now
As I see my arms when I look down
The bruises are no longer there
But at my scars I stair
They still remind me of how it use to be
I don’t really think you will ever love me

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Love is like a Drug [08 Dec 2004|12:18pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

When I fell in love I knew right then
This was somewhere I had never been
I had never felt this way before
It was like a drug except for more
Something that I couldn’t get off my mind
I was suddenly blind
Every kiss with you was like a hit
Something that I never wanted to quit
When you held me it all went away
The danger, the sickness and all the pain
I couldn’t even feel my legs
My heart began to float astray
It was like I went into another life
With you and I everything seemed so right
You gave me an eternal high
I wish I could have stayed that way forever
I guess you knew better
The happiness suddenly disappeared
And I was left alone in fear
I went through withdrawal
Realizing I had given you my all
I guess I began to fall
I realized unlike a drug there is no cure
You can’t go to a clinic to stay
You jus have to live it day by day
Letting go of every memory you ever made
Knowing you will never feel the joy again
Putting the drug to an end
It is almost impossible to quit a drug
Especially when that drug is love

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The Light [08 Dec 2004|12:16pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I guess I finally saw the light
Something opened my sight
Now I see the way you treat me isn’t right
You’re the reason I cry at night
And I’m sick of this so I give up the fight

Just because I’m not like them
I won’t just take it and grin
I knew this is how it should have been
And look where it got us in the end
Now were not even friends

To think I actually thought you would care
I guess life just isn’t fair
This pain is just so hard to bear
All you can do is laugh and stair
I can now feel my heart begin to tear

I finally saw the true light in you
I should have known this is what you would do
Everyone warned me your love wasn’t true
Now I am left to start over new

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the person you use to be [16 Nov 2004|12:21am]
[ mood | awake ]

I didn’t fall in love with you
I fell in love with the person you use to be
The one that cared about me
The person that held me when I would cry
Looked me straight in the eyes
And tell me everything would be all right
I didn’t fall in love with you
I fell in love with the person you use to be
The one that would do anything for me
Would give me little gifts that said I love you
Do anything just to help me get through
The person that would hug me when I felt down
Just to make a smile out of a frown
The person you use to be loved me
And now that that person is gone
I’m left here to linger on
Not knowing where to go I’m kind of lost
I want the old you back at any cost
But I know I can’t change you back
so there is something I must do
Because I didn’t fall in love with you
You see I fell in love with that person you use to be
And that person changed me
More than you will ever know
And I think everyone sees that it shows
You made me realize what love is
Something that you need to live
I thank you for the person you use to be
The one that now lives through me

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Can't be friends [16 Nov 2004|12:03am]
[ mood | okay ]

I can’t be your friend cause I will always want to be more
I can’t talk to you cause it only reminds me of what we were before
I’ve tried so hard to turn my love around
So that I wouldn’t have to let you down
But it’s like impossible to do
Because all I want is to be with you

I wish you knew how bad it hurt me to do this
Just know you’re the one I will always miss
I just can’t put myself through all this pain
One day it will make me go insane
And instead of waiting till then
I figured I would just tell you we can’t be friends

I just want you to know that I loved you with all my heart
And I never wanted us to be apart
But sometimes dreams don’t come true
And I guess that’s what happened with me and you
I was never in reality
All I thought about was you and me

I don’t want to ruin your life anymore
So I’m letting you go and walking out with door
This is the last time I can hug you goodbye
I wish I could just look at you and lie
Tell you that I was over you and let’s just be friends
But I guess I knew how it would end

So here I go on my way
I don’t have anything else to say
I don’t want to look back or I will cry
And that’s my whole reason for saying goodbye
I wish there was something else I could do
But this is the only way I will ever get over you

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